I’m huffing and puffing, but I won’t blow your house down!
Hello, It’s me. Me and all my baggage; my emotions, bitch tendencies, short temper. I’ve been waiting outside for a while, waiting for you to open up and let me in. Occasionally you peer through the window and talk to me, on a good day you open the door but leave the latch on, but you still won’t let me in fully. All I want is to come in, get to know you and your world completely, share your world, experience your joys and sorrows, love you!
We’ve been away together, you’ve met them. I know they might seem….difficult but they are mine, and they are part of my baggage. My baggage which I know you’re still struggling to accept. The baggage isn’t a lot. I know you can handle it, you have so far, and you’re still here. I promise it gets better. I promise I get better.
I see your frustrations, I sense them even before they become obvious. I know when you’re happy, I know when you’re sad. I just wish you’d let me in completely so we can go through it together. You’ve been Miss Independent for too long, you don’t have to lose that, you don’t have to lose yourself, you don’t have to change, all I ask is that you let me in. I’m still knocking, I’ll keep knocking till my knuckles start to bleed, till I wear them right down to the bones, and I’ll continue knocking with my stump, until you let me in.
For the 1st time in forever, I’m happy! I have everything I want. I have a well paying job! I have my own place where I can walk around naked and drink from whatever carton I find in the fridge. I have my own independence and freedom…I’m happy! But I have fantasies that need to fuck off! I won’t act on them….not physically anyway, but they’re still there. Maybe they’re unrealistic, to be honest, I don’t think they are, but acting on them would jeopardize key components in my current state of happiness….and I don’t want to jeopardize that….but they’re still fantasies! I don’t think watching porn helps either, if anything it just heightens my emotions, and I have emotional tendencies at the best of times! I’ve always been a sound believer that masturbation is good for the mind and body. You cannot underestimate the sense of relief and clarity of mind you get once you ejaculate. Everything is so much clearer. Maybe that’s why my fantasias will remain just that, because in reality, do I really want the hassle of what the fall out of my fantasy will bring? No! I’d rather just knock one off (or two…three if I’m being generous) and be stress free. I digressed a bit, but it’s taking me a long while to get to where I am now, and I still have a while to go to be the man I truly want to be. There are things which I still want to achieve, I’ve achieved quite a lot this year. I’m on the right track, just have to ignore the temptations.
“…..Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, jealousy, fits of anger, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these…..”
Being “religious” seems to be a point of conversation these days. Someone asked me the other day what my views were. I’m not as “religious” as most people, or even members of my family. I have a relationship with God, it works for me. It could be stronger, but like I said it works for me. Sometimes I wonder if I could make a personal sacrifice and fully commit myself to him. I’d have to give up almost everything I enjoy doing; drinking, swearing without feeling bad, lusting after women I can’t have, fantasizing about doing things with those women I can’t have; Rhianna might not be the sexiest woman alive but she sure is in my opinion the most likely to make me do things sexually I don’t yet know I can do. Anyway I digress. What I’m trying to say is that I’m a sinner. The best kind of sinner but still a sinner. I have sinned continuously in the past, I still sin now (lusting after celebrities) and will more than likely continue sinning. I’m not perfect, those of you who follow my posts will know that I’ve touched on this on quite a few occasions. I am human after all, well sometimes I feel like a fucking awesome hero, actually most of the time but I still make mistakes. This post might not sit well with a lot of you, and I hope you at least try and understand where I’m coming from, if you don’t…*shrug*
I love my family! We go through periods like most families tend to, but I wouldn’t change them for anyone or anything. I know they will always be there for me, have always been and even if I win the lottery and for some strange unknown reason I refuse to share my winnings with them, they’ll still be there…might just love me a lot less.
I cherish their loyalty! I respect their opinions, I might not show it often but I do. I sometimes question their judgement on certain things, especially when it concerns me. One such situation is the issue with my ex, maybe issue is the wrong word but that is what it is becoming. As I touched on in a previous post, both our families are friends and our mums still retain the hope that we could reconcile. *sigh* There is no chance of that! I’m pretty sure I’m over my masochist phase where I would endure constant emotional heartbreak and still stay in the relationship.
I’ve been had numerous conversations with my mum, her mum, my sister, anyone who cares enough to ask really. A point I keep making is if she misses me or has the slightest interest in getting back together, I’m pretty sure I would have received a phone call at the very least. The only form of communication I have received are two emails; one on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and blah blah blah, the other a few weeks ago asking about my well being. These aren’t the actions of someone who supposedly “cares”. I’m not saying I want her back, I’m just making a point to my loving family that maybe, just maybe, she just doesn’t care! This is something I’ve known for so long but still stayed in the relationship. She never made an effort. I was never a priority for her! She proved this time and again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, far from it. I have my flaws, but my strengths far outweigh them. I know my worth. I know what I deserve. I know the qualities I bring to a relationship, I can be a bloody amazing boyfriend! Yes I’m tooting my own horn, but it’s my horn and no one is tooting it for me right now so TOOT!!!!!!!
I guess my frustrations are just born out of the fact that I still think about her. A small part still cares for her, but this part cannot go away if people refuse to just leave it alone. The more I feel pressured, the less inclined I am to want to consider a reconciliation. If we are meant to be together, which I seriously doubt, we will be. But hey I could be wrong and she could really care?!??
Anyway, like I said, I love my family!!!!
1st of all Huge apologies for not writing anything for 4 years! My attention has been everywhere but here.
I think I’m going through a “selfish” phase where I seem to care less and less about people and their situations and seem to focus more on me! I feel like I need it, especially with what I want to achieve by Dec 31st 2015.
Break ups are never easy! No matter how you try to let go; deleting her from all forms of social media ( but not blocking her phone number), deleting pics of you and her ( but not sifting through your iCloud), trying as much as possible to remove her from your mind and thoughts. Constantly singing “Doing just fine” by Boyz II Men or “King of Wishful Thinking” by Go West. Constantly telling myself that I don’t miss her. Telling myself that I’m better off without her….I might be. Infact I know I am.
For years I put up with everything; her lack of emotion, her nonchalance, her failure to recognise obvious calls for attention, her lack of understanding of what it takes to be in a relationship. Why did I stay? Why did I put up with all of that for so long? So many people asked me that question, I still ask myself that question. The masochist in me might answer that. The only response I had was that “I loved her”. I really did love her! Cute right? But extremely naive! I guess love just didn’t love me back. Even after all the love I freely offered, we still broke up, I guess it wasn’t enough for me. I got tired of trying. People asked me what it was that I loved so much about her…………I still struggle today to answer that. I can’t list 5 things that I loved, I just knew I loved her above everything and anyone. And that’s really bad considering we were together for the best part of 4 years ( give or take a year or two). It also doesn’t help that our families are very friendly towards each other. My parents, well both our mums really, still hold unto the hope that one day we will get back together. Being the stubborn asshole that I tend to be at times, I don’t see it happening. I really feel it was right to end things. If I had stayed, I would have lost a crucial part of what makes me, me. The fact that I have emotional black male tendencies and sometimes read too much into situations makes me, me. My foolish pride is part of what has made me into the man I am today. I might not be the best man, but I’m only 29. I don’t know any man who was “the best” at 29. I do know that I’m a better man than a lot of you over 30s. A lot of you don’t deserve to called men, one particular spineless coward called Tunde Odeyemi!!! *woosa* back to the matter. I’m still learning, I’ve experienced so much, I’ve become a double uncle to 2 of the most beautiful girls ever. Spending time with them, helping to raise one, whilst watching their parents take to parenthood like sharks to water ( @fifstar, @goriola, @dscarlton, you guys fucking rock) fills me with tremendous confidence that I will be a fantastic dad, and a truly amazing husband to the right woman when I find her. I haven’t found her yet but I haven’t started looking. I know I will when I’m ready……hopefully I’ll be over my ex by then….just joking, I’m over her! Seriously I am. I deleted her of my social media. *straight face* anyway I digress.
That felt good to write again , and no sexual content, I guess I am “growing”. Hmmm!
You…Me…Him and Her
What we are doing is wrong, but why does it feel so right!? I never thought it was possible to love more than one person at the same time….but we are proving it is possible. I don’t think I love my girlfriend less or more than you. There are so many things you see as normal things a girlfriend should do but my girlfriend doesn’t do these things. You do! It makes me want you even more than ever. I love you. You love him. I love her. You love me. It’s hard to put into words how happy you make me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. Realistically I know we can never be together….unless we run away… I’m down if you are!? I hope I never lose you. Whether as a lover or a friend.
P.s. I miss you so much!
Girlfriend: a frequent or favorite female companion; sweetheart.
Is there such a thing as the perfect woman? We all have our fantasies and ideal matches. I used to have a type: dark skinned girls with sexy smiles. Now all I want a just someone who gets me on all levels. Physically and emotionally.
I thought I had that with my girl. No matter how good things are with us, no matter how much we both try, we just will never fully understand each other.
She has her issues and I have mine. When things are good, they’re are very good, but all of a sudden they go bad and then I feel like “what the fuck is the point?”, “Maybe was should just leave it?”… But I can’t. We’re too far in. I love her! But is love enough? It isn’t for me. I need a lot more than just being loved. I need to feel wanted! Respected! Appreciated! Trusted! Needed! I need my girlfriend to know how to be a girlfriend. I shouldn’t have tell you what to do. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t date younger girls. “only 21 and older/let another nigga mould her”. You should be moulded by now! Recently she read my blog, and her reaction shouldn’t have surprised me. Not because of the sexual content, but because she just didn’t get it. She was too busy getting upset at me writing about girls in my past that she failed to grasp what I was moaning about, failed to realise why I write the blog, failed to understand my frustrations with those girls I wrote about.
It seems like we are both just going through the motions. Neither of us wants to leave, maybe because we have come to far. But that is a recipe for disaster. Staying in a relationship just because. The spark is gone. The calls are less frequent, the messages are shorter and colder. It’s come to the point now where I don’t even tell her about things, I keep my frustrations to myself…and you guys. I just accept things, don’t argue, just nod my head and smile. I would love things to change, but I seriously doubt that will happen.
So it comes down to me staying in a mediocre relationship or leaving? Is the grass really greener? I’ve tried tending to my lawn, but only so much I can do!
I love her….and that’s what makes it so fucking hard to leave.
I know she might end up reading this and then get angry, then we’ll argue and just go round and round like we always do. I’d love it if she did read this and understood that all I want from her is to be a girlfriend.